To Win is To Lose

Pride is a tricky thing. U need pride, for it is the basis of one's identity and self-worth. Yet, sometimes pride can be the very thing that trip u and make u fall head over heels (in not a very lovingly manner) , as it blinds u from seeing flaws in yourself , or dissuading one to admit one's mistakes even in the state of being aware of them.

Pride. To make us become archingly self-defensive (prickly spines springing up)and stubbornly insisting on putting up a consistent facade. Sometimes at the expense of hurting loved ones.

Maybe it has to do with the past decade of living on my own that I have become more self-assured than I care to like about myself. I used to pride myself for being independent, not emotionally needy and stubborn even. yes, stubborn, it almost always gave me a twisted sense of satisfaction from arguing with my parents, hurling 'logical' reasonings mingled in the heat of passion, thoroughly convinced that what they were saying was nothing more than weightless gibberish made to sound important. I felt triumphant, even though emotionally worked up to the brim of tears,face flushed and chest heaving; I felt like a captive soldier being tortured to tell a government secret but stayed defiant despite all the sufferings. I am one missy who sticks to her own guns.

I was never like most other girls. I didn't feel the need to gossip with my girl friends on the phone every night or cry onto my guy friends' shoulders or need them to escort me home when it gets too dark. Girls' nights out were usually dominated by my friends complaining about their colleagues and friends and telling me their newest crushes. I didn't feel that i needed any feedbacks from my friends to feel validated. I know I am smart, attractive in my own ways and if i want, i can go far in life.

Only do I realise here in Melbourne, away from my comfort zone, that all which I thought were my finest attributes turn around to bite me on the leg. I realise, socially I need to be more needy. I need to feel that I have to have more friends instead of gravitating myself emotionally towards the guy whom i love. My social scale has tipped way out of balance, I have become too hungry for his attention and craving constantly that he would give me a bit more love and become so emotionally entertwined with his every breath, every movement. I have to get hold of myself and slowly channel that craving for more platonic relationships, to be curious to know other people again.

And being in a totally foreign environment which I am standing on the circumference, the pillars of my confidence have been hollowed. I no longer know what to fight for and find my existence in this society ethereal: insignificant and unnoticeable simply because I am like a new species of plant being transplanted into a jungle. Existing giant trees towered above me and the overshadowing canopy shields the sunlight and I am not sure if I can thrive. My lack of social life only exarcebates this feeling. Hence darling becomes the only receiver of all my frustration and sometimes by being angry with him for the petty things that he did somehow gives me the twisted sense of satisfaction again, to regain that sense of self validation from the pride which no longer has a basis to support itself for a brief moment, only to give way into soul cannibalising sadness. Wallowed. Wallowed. Drained. Being proud had made me lose even more.

In a way, experiences here have been so humbling that it made me feel what it is like to be vulnerable. Like how 'Superman' (Christopher Reeve) became wheelbound.

For once, I cannot help but think how mediocre I truly am.