Feeling Big, Feeling Small

It is impossible not to feel small, as an Asian , in the city of Melbourne. Or should I say, amongst white people.

Not only in terms of physical size, but as well as "smallness"in figurative sense. Alot of people would tell u that Aussies are friendly. They are almost right. And they regard your fear of racism as being unwarranted. They are probably right too. But that doesn't ease that omnipresent feeling of 'smallness' , that of an obliging, tip-toeing little parasitic intruder amidst white giants.

Let's admit this: being chinese in Malaysia or in Singapore, most of us do have the superiority complex over our racial counterparts. We think that we perform better academically or economically and hence subconsiously wearing bigger hats over our heads. But in a white country, as a Chinese, I officially suffer from the inferiority complex for a change. It doesn't matter that there are many brilliant Chinese here, but the full-blown white ego and chestful confidence of white pppl that seem to press every other race under their noses can still be quite a belittling experience. That of rendering some Asians meek, even apologetic and as eager as a dog wagging its tail to want to please (them). Some Asians are just begging to be as 'angmoh-fied' as possible, by faking that thich accent or wearing those "in" clothings, as if by doing so would make them a few inches higher into the air and give to the superiority to brush dust from their shoulders on their own people.

we simply beat ourselves up, become all swollen in order to feel 'big'.

I had asked Regina, my housemate what she plans to do after her graduation this Dec, her resolute answer came as a surprise:" I want to go back to KL." There was not a trace of uncertainty or consideration to stay in this 'utopic' city that so many Asians are scrambling their way into to seek a 'better life'. I asked her why is she so determined to go home and her answer made alot of sense:"No matter how hard we try, we can never be 'one of them'. And as much as we try to be friendly and all, most of them are simply not interested to know who we truly are. We can only be expected to conform to their norms and rarely opposite is the case."

During my lectures for the past few days, i felt compelled to say something intelligent in the class, as if to want to prove a point. That we Asians are not just books-chewing nerds who are waiting to be trampled on. Such an act only serves to verify the fact that indeed i feel inferior about being an Asian. I cringe whenever a Chinese uttered incomprehensible , mandarin-accented English in the lectures; invariably draped by a sense of shame and desperation to dissociate from them entirely. I know I should be ashamed of myself for feeling this way and be executed for racial infelity but i just can't help it.

As I said, it is hard not to feel small in this city inhabited by white giants. I am still trying, and will try hard to position myself on the grids of this city (melbourne city is so well-planned that it is indeed in grids.:)), to search for my niche and identity . And hopefully at the end of it, to be comfortable in my own yellow skin.