Am I Good Enough? So not.

Recently I have been thinking alot about my identity as someone's friend. Naturally, we put our friends in categories; good friends, hi-bye friends,party friends, seasonal friends etc. We put so much expectations on our friends, esp our best buddy whom we demand unwavering loyalty and understanding. Anyone can bitch about us, but one accidental insensitive remark that slips from our best friend's mouth almost always triggers a melodramatic soap episode that embodies tears,bitter accusation, hurt feelings rolled into one:" How could you do THIS? u r SUPPOSED to be my BEST FRIEND! * blow nose* "

As I said, I have been thinking, but of the flip side. Am I a good enough friend ?

The tricky part is this,what is the definition of being good enuff?

Had just spoken to one of my ex-students on the phone. She told me that she had failed two of her subjects, partly because she was helping a friend at her shop too much , and her spending too much time there had a serious toll on her work.

And as what is expected from someone she is seeking advice from, I said the usual stuff:

" Yea, it is important to help a friend, but u must PRIORITISE what is important to u too. U r not being fair to yourself if u invest too much energy and efforts on your friends."

Perfect, absolutely flawless speech. 100% politically correct.

But deep inside, I had wanted to tell her: "Gal, u r someone I can never be." To put friends at the first place without second thoughts, to love your friends so much that what happens to u is irrelavant. Even more shocking was when Nadya told me one day: " Vyanne u know what, if there is ever one day Hue (Nadya's best friend) needs me to kill someone for her, I will. I will not kill someone for you, but I will definitely do it for her."

To put forth such a vehement statement that almost sounded like a frivolous joke, but until I saw the resoluteness in her eyes, I knew she was not just being funny. And I looked straight into her eyes and said with unchallenged conviction :"Nadya u know what, I can never do that. Not even for the person I love most in this world."

it struck me, that I have never really loved my friends to THAT extent. And can never will. I do care for my friends, I help them when they ask me to, and we hang out for occasional lunches and dinners, but my emotional involvement with them can never be labeled as "intense". I am pretty much happy whistling and hustling all by myself, spending time with friends is just bonus. There are certain people whom I care for more than the others of course, but rarely is it so entrenched to the core that I am like a Siamese twin to that person. That of Two Bodies One Soul. Not to even mention to be criminal for her/his sake. There is always a part of me that i jealously guard against any intrusion, to maintain a certain degree of emotion separateness which itself isn't deliberate, which explains the incomplete emotional fusion even with my best friend.

Am I a good enough friend? That is one question I can never find a satisfactory answer. But compared to my ex-student or Nadya, I simply throw up my hands and say:"U win."