Zap Me

After one year and a half of abandoning this blog, strangely, I feel like writing again.

The past two months I have been like a bottle of Coke losing its fizzle, and a leak in the bottom slowly draining the dark sweet liquid away, leaving a sticky mess. For that I am in a mess. I let the fact that my boyfriend left to work in New York drain my happiness away. It was a mistake to be so happy in the first place, to let a guy and his life/ friends define that of mine, to feel anchored only when he is around. Such that once he leaves, I am left covered with the residue of artificial sweetener , and having to pathetically lick myself to remind me what was like before.

Now, I am jobless, family-less, bf-less. Like a friend said, I am in a no-man's land, wallowing in self-pity. Days seem extraordinarily long with me simply lying in bed with my laptop most of the time, obsessively checking my inbox only to find yet another rejection letter.Why have I let myself to sink this low? To have been reduced into a slushy pool of sticky inertia that has lost interest completely in life.

To be free of work, having the entire day to yourself, isn't this what normal people dream of? This time of disengagement should be a time for rejoice, to do things I like, to pick up new skills, to read trashy novels and crying my eyes out watching Korean drama. And here i am, completely fizzled out. Flat.

I can't go on like this. This i know. IF only I could wire myself to a socket and zap my body into ACTION. It is scary that I am so used to feeling depressed these days that i have acknowledged it to be a part of me, and it is a liberty to feel as depressed as i want to be. To a point that I almost feel afraid to be happy, and get disgustingly annoyed with people who seem to be so cheerful all the time.

This can't go on. As a start, maybe I should just take a shower to wash off the persistent trace of artificial sweetener.